It’s probably not a good sign that I’m thinking this already but it just hit me now and it hit me hard.
Am I really feeling the things I’m saying or am I saying them because that’s how I’m supposed to feel. I’m not a hundred percent comfortable with him yet and he knows that, more importantly he respects it.
I just wish I could be a hundred percent sure but I guess no one ever is when they start a relationship. I like him but we haven’t hit the point where I feel comfortable enough to let him kiss or touch me. He asked to hold my hand and at first it felt weird but then it felt nice. I liked it and I’m okay with it now.
The romantic feelings aren’t there yet and it’s not his fault but I say these things and flirt with him and some of it is me but some of it feels like I’m doing what I think I should be doing, does that make sense?
He thinks my life is put together, ha! If he could see inside my head he would see how at any minute I could completely lose it.
He tells me I’m beautiful, cute, pretty and amazing all the time. I only half believe it and even when I do there’s this little voice in the back of my head whispering,
“He only wants you for your body and when he finds out you won’t give it up easily he’ll leave.”
I tell that voice to shut up and for a while it does until he says something else to me.
“I’ll help you relax.”
I know how that sounds but my brain is split between he meant it sexually and he just means he’ll come over and watch shitty horror movies with me. And I feel like it is the second one but there’s that little voice telling me otherwise.
“If I could I’d join you in bed to stay warm.”
That one makes me a little less uncomfortable but still there’s a tightness in my chest when I read it. I know he just means cuddling and chilling in bed, he told me and I believe him, mostly. It’s not a totally foreign concept, cuddling with someone you’re dating well, unless you’re me and have a fucked up brain.
I know not every guy is the same, I tell that to my head and gives me a play by play every guy that has only wanted me because of one thing.
He’s not saying anything wrong, I’m the one overthinking it and trying to poke holes in it because I’m scared that he might actually be different or that he’s the same. I don’t know. It’s a lot to think about.
I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I’ve got issues a mile long and he has some of his own but I don’t want to push him away and make him feel embarrassed for saying things that any normal girl would love to hear.
Okay now I’m going to give myself the benefit of the doubt a little because it has been 11 years since I’ve been in any sort of relationship and even then it wasn’t serious. I’m not used to it and even when I did hear nice things said about me it was always about my appearance which made me feel worse about myself.
The sexual stuff makes me uncomfortable for many reasons and he knows only part of those reasons. I don’t know when the other reasons are going to come up in conversation but oh man I don’t know when to tell him that I’m a 26 year old virgin.
I need to go write about people who are way more fucked up than me.