So last night (Friday the 17th) was something…
I don’t know how else to describe it.
My boyfriend was at a show last night and he went out afterward so he knew he was going to be getting home late.
He asked to crash here because he said my house was closer and he was really tired.
I said yeah even though I was freaking out a bit. I was prepared for him to sleep over on Saturday like we planned but I didn’t plan for this.
I’ve never slept in a bed before with someone. I’ve never had someone sleep with their arm around me or want to kiss me good night.
Everything was fine. I stayed up till he got here. Snuck him in my room through the window like a teenager would. I even turned up the heat so the noise of him climbing in wouldn’t wake up my mom or my dog.
He came in, went to the bathroom, very sneakily, came back in and laid down on my bed. Told me he was tired and he had a headache. We talked for a little bit then I asked him if he wanted to sleep. He said he wanted to lay his head in my lap and asked me if that would be okay. I said yeah.
So that’s what we did. We laid there and looked at horror memes on his phone, laughed, talked all while I ran my fingers through his hair. He told me it felt nice and I told him I was glad. There was a big smile on my face that he probably couldn’t see because it was dark but it was there.
He also confessed to me that my house wasn’t closer he just wanted to sleep in a bed rather than the recliner and he wanted to be with me rather than alone.
Sleeping alone is all I ever knew. But I understood to an extent.
So we lay down, him on his back and me curled up next to him. He asks for a kiss. So I kiss him and I don’t know what I was expecting.
Was I expecting it to be great? No because the last person I kissed was when I was 15 and it was traumatizing. It had been a while and I was’t sure what to do. So I just laid my head on his chest and waited to fall asleep in my boyfriends arms.
And waited but it never happened.
I really wanted to.
I really wanted it to be as simple as closing my eyes but it wasn’t.
I got up around 8 and told my mom my boyfriend was in my room and of course she was fine with it. I came back in and saw him curled up on his side with my covers wrapped around him.
It was cute. I didn’t want to wake him.
I was okay and then I don’t know what happened. I started shaking and felt so sick to my stomach. I’m going to blame it on lack of sleep and anxiety.
The first one made sense but why was I anxious all of a sudden. I didn’t want to go back in there. I didn’t want to wake him up but I also didn’t want him in my bed anymore. I wanted to be curled up in my bed.
My mind is a very confusing place.
Once I calmed down enough I did go in and wake him up. He pretty much left right after, which he apologized for later. So needless to say I didn’t have a good morning. I wanted to go back a few hours to when it was just me and him, laying in my bed while I stroked his hair and we laughed but not too loud. That was a perfect moment.
Idk…maybe it’s an unrealistic dream for me to do all that couple stuff I read about in books, saw in movies and T.V. shows and dreamed of for years.
I keep trying to tell myself it’s not true but sometimes it seems to be the only thing I’m certain of.