Writing is hard

I’ve opened every story on my computer and re read them over and over but I never added anything new. I’ve looked at pictures for inspiration. Watched T.V shows. Read a book but every time I go to type, nothing wants to come out.

I feel like I want to write but then I don’t.

I’ve also been sick and that’s no fun.

The Deftones and Rise Against concert was awesome.

I went to Knobles which was fun too but when I got home I got hit with a flu/cold. It was hell having a fever at night and getting literally an hour or two of sleep every night. Then once the fever went away I was coughing non stop and now I still have a little cough and my chest still hurts from said coughing. Also sometimes my ear closes from being stuffed up.

So while I was in utter agony I decided to binge watch Lucifer which was a good way to spend my time. I finished both seasons and have come away with questions and a serious crush on Tom Ellis.

The good news about being sick was that I didn’t care that I didn’t have anything to do but now that I’m better I can feel depression coming back. Just gotta find things to look forward to again.

I started watching The Path and it’s okay but a little slow. I like the “cult” angle of the show. I’ve been interested in people in cults and what makes people join cults.

Back to writing being hard, maybe if I try writing with like pen and paper. Sometimes If I change the medium I can write more freely. Idk maybe I’ll try that.

I’m sure once classes start I’ll be full of ideas lol.

Anyway this has been a kinda stream of conciousness/ what’s on my mind post.

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My head hurts and it’s hot as hell

The beginning of the week is my least favorite. I mean weekends really aren’t much different but there’s less time to think. During the week that’s all I do. I think about how I should have said this instead of that or I should have done this sooner instead of waiting so long.

See, too much time.

It’s hard to have a routine when you literally have nothing to wake up for or to. That sounds melodramatic, sorry what I meant was I don’t have a reason to get out of bed other than the fact that I should,

I’m fine once I’m going to classes because I get into a routine and everything is good. But once that routine is gone, I’m lost.

I NEED a reason to get out of bed or I won’t do it. And the longer I stay in bed the worse it gets. I know this but I can’t stop myself from being depressed. If I could I would. I mean duh, who wants to be depressed.

So today I was in bed most of the day. I managed to do some wash and work on the collage thing I was working on but I didn’t do enough to feel good.

The heat isn’t helping either, or the fact that I’m afraid to turn on my AC because when I took the thingy off I found a bee’s hive inside the grate box thing that my AC is in. I need the AC but I also don’t want a swarm of bees coming in my vent, ya know?

So I have my fan blowing directly on me but it’s only reaching half of my body. So my legs are cool but the top half of me is sweaty. Blehh.

I keep telling myself that I just have stay positive and remind myself of things i have to look forward to, but what happens when those things run out?

This was a depressing Monday. But at least it’s almost over.

Shower with me Sunday

Not literally but you’ll get the point.

When I say shower with me I meant shower yourself with positive affirmations…with me.

I don’t know it’s a work in progress. So I’m going to embrace the self love trend and list things that I love/like about myself and five of them have to be about my appearance.

Now I’ve done this before but I always followed it up with something negative, which defeats the purpose. So I’m not going to do that.

I love dancing in my underwear when I get out of the shower. Like really love it. I stand in front of the mirror and dance along to whatever music I have on and I feel amazing.

I love my back dimples. When I wear crop tops I want other people to see them and love them too.

I love the little cluster of moles on my arm that kinda look like the big dipper if  I connect them.

I love the scar on my elbow and the story of how I got. Long story short I tried to kick a ball that was rolling towards me (very slowly), missed and then when I brought my foot back I tripped over it.

I love the three moles in between my middle and ring finger. If I connect the dots they make a triangle (Illuminati confirmed)

I love when I can make my best friends laugh because I actually think I’m funny and when I make them laugh, it makes me laugh.

I love when I get a burst of inspiration and end up making a collage at 2 in the morning.

So that’s all I’ve got, for now. So I guess I need to find more stuff that I love about myself.

It’s harder than you think.

Try it out!

Also I think I’m going to change this to Self Love Sunday, it sounds better.

 

 

26 things that happened today

  1. I woke up at 7:30 from a dream where their was a girl who could predict the weather.
  2. I wrote it down and stayed up writing another story for 3 hours.
  3. I got up and mom made me dippy eggs.
  4. I found out she threw away my pizza 😦
  5. We took my dog for a walk.
  6. We went to the store.
  7. My friend wished me a happy birthday
  8. I got a slice of cake.
  9. I came home and ate.
  10. I gave my dog a bath
  11. I finished this outline of something I’ve been working on.
  12. My dad called and told me he wanted to take me out to eat.
  13. I watch Avenged Sevenfold live in LBC until he came and got me.
  14. My dad told me a story about how he got one of his friends to drink pee that was in a beer bottle
  15. I told him about my party.
  16. We ate, he got hot wings and I got pulled pork.
  17. We talk about the Deftones concert which is next Saturday (heart eyes)
  18. I told him about the last Deftones concert.
  19. We talked about how much you love to play the drums.
  20. You took me to where you practice your drums (it’s a storage container)
  21. I saw a little bunny.
  22. You closed it which made me a little anxious but I was okay after a while.
  23. We left and you played me some more of your recordings.
  24. You told me you were excited for next weekend i said me too, hug and kiss.
  25. I got out of the car and spotted my hot neighbor.
  26. You said oh by the way if you get tired of me talking about music just tell me I said no of course not. The hot neighbor smiled and I said hi.

So that was my birthday.

Note to self: Introduce myself to the hot neighbor oh and screw you for not wishing me a happy birthday

 

F*ck it Friday

Soooo I don’t really know what to write about or post so I’m just going to write about what’s on my mind right now.

The main thing is the fact that I’m turning 26 in a few hours (5:15 am) to be exact. Birthdays kind of got shitty once I hit a certain age. I think the last birthday where I didn’t get depressed was my 17th or 18th birthday. Ever since then I get depressed the whole week leading up to my birthday and usually on my birthday.

I feel like every year it gets worse. I think if I get out of the house for a little bit tomorrow I’ll be fine. I got some wine so at least I can have a drink if I want. I’ve got my concert to look forward to and I’m hoping my dad remembers.

I haven’t heard from him in a while which make s me nervous. But he knows how much this concert means to me.

I guess that’s how I can keep from getting depressed. Just keep finding stuff to look forward to. Also I have to get out of bed before 10 because sleeping in is really bad for me.

I also want to start doing some stretching and Pilates. I have this yoga mat and I haven’t done shit with it. I want to read more and continue to write everyday.

Also I miss being a part of your stupid group. Just standing there the other day for 15 minutes made me think for a second that i belonged. But I don’t. Thanks for making me feel that way though. And making me laugh.

I have so much I need to do. I need to get my god damn license. Ughhh having drivers anxiety fucking sucks. Having any type of anxiety sucks.

It doesn’t just happen if I’m driving, I feel it when other people drive. Fuck! I have to go get my permit renewed! But really, what’s the point? I’m not using it so why renew it. Ughh I’m being so negative. Gotta stop.

Okay let’s write about something else. Paramore’s new album After Laughter is freaking AMAZING!! It hasn’t even been out for a month and I know it’s going to be my favorite album of 2017.

Listen to it, it’s amazing. The lyrics are amazing and it just makes me feel so understood when I listen to it. Their albums just keep getting better and better in my opinion. I want to see them in October!

So I think I typed enough nonsense. I’m going to go write or try to find a way to watch Wynonna Earp season 2. By the way, the show is freaking awesome and season 1 is on Netflix. Go Watch it!!!!

So tomorrow I might do a thing where I write about 26 things I’ve learned or something like that.

Till then…

Throwback Writing

Not feeling very creative. To be honest the closer it gets to my birthday, the more depressed I get. Still going to try and write everyday though. This time I’m going to post some old poems and write what I think about them now.

9/20/12

You take it from me and start running.

I run after you

Round and round we go

You like that I always chase after you

I can see the smile on your face.

Chasing after you until I’m practically out of breath.

And now I can’t breathe.

Everything becomes clear.

I stop as you keep running.

“I’m not chasing after you anymore!” I yell

I start walking away.

I don’t have to look back to know you’re smiling

Thinking to yourself oh yes you will

You always will

 

I actually like this poem a lot and this is hundred percent about me being tired of chasing after people. It really sucked having friendships that felt one sided and I think this poem really sums that up.

 

I plant my feet

Push off

Higher and higher

I’m at the top

I’m not scared though

I jump and land on my feet

The ground is soft (Playground)

 

Scrapped knees were a big problem

But it didn’t stop me from

Running down the sidewalk

Jumping off the swing

Riding my bike

I fell hard but

I got back up

My tears dried and I healed (scrapped knees)

 

These poem are a part of an idea I had a while ago where I wanted to write poems based off different stages in my life. These were based off my early childhood. I still like this idea and I might continue it. I might change the title of them though.

Picture Prompt Wednesday

So originally I was going to get a prompt out of this book I have but when I was trying to write it felt forced. I’ve always found inspiration when looking at pictures so, I decided to find one and write something from it. It may or may not end up in one of my stories someday. Also the picture is not mine, I found it on Pinterest and included the Tumblr blog from where it’s from. I really enjoy doing these little exercises and flexing my creative muscles. Critiques are welcome 🙂

I’m wearing white. Is that disrespectful? Are my clothes offending you? Everyone is long gone so there’s no one here to say,

“Sorry for your loss.”

Even if they did, I don’t feel like I lost anything. If anything I feel free, free from you and free from them.

So why am I here, staring at your freshly dug grave while the rain trickles off my umbrella? I need to see it with my own eyes. I need to know that you are gone, seeing your name printed in the obituaries wasn’t enough for me.

You wouldn’t approve of the lipstick I’m wearing. I still hesitate when I do anything that was against your rules. But then I remind myself,

You are your own person. You don’t have to feel bad for enjoying “sinful” things.”

In other words, I don’t have to have to feel bad for enjoying life. I’ll be able to enjoy it even more now that you’re gone.

I walk up to the edge of your grave and feel my beige heels sink into the mud. I never gave much thought to what my last words would be to you. I wish I could leave with the same thing you left me, actually I take that back I don’t wish that on anyone, even you.

“You ready to go?”

I nod, turn away from you and walk into my new life.

Tunes for Tuesday

You know what I love more than writing, music!

I love all kinds of music. I listen to mostly rock but I’m not opposed to other genres of music. It also depends on what mood I’m in. I’m very lucky in the sense that my parents are twenty years apart because it impacted what music I heard when I was a kid.

At my dad’s house it was Led Zeppelin, Metallica, Disturbed and Ozzy.

When I was at home it was the Beatles, Queen, Journey and Meatloaf.

Both were still in the genre of rock but, very different sounds. So I became a mixture of the two. Then came the 90’s Spice Girls and boy band phase, which I still love to this day and will blast it for anyone to hear.

But once I turned about 11 or 12 I started listening to bands like Korn, Staind and Linkin Park and fell in love with that Nu Metal genre of mixing rap and rock. There was another band, Deftones, that were a part of that genre. I wasn’t familiar with them until I heard their song Change (In the House of Flies), in a movie.

I know it’s lame to say oh yeah I started listening to that band because of that one song that EVERYONE knows, but it’s true. I put that song on every mp3 or IPod I owned up until I was 18 or 19. That’s when I started looking into other songs and listening to all of their albums.

I started with Adrenaline, which came out in 1995. I remember hearing the opening of the song “Bored” and just the chug of the guitar and thinking oh this is going to be some heavy shit, which was fine by me because that’s what I was listening to at the time. But then the voice  didn’t match, it was breathy and elongated every word to give me time to think about what I was listening to. It’s true what people say, you don’t listen to Deftones, you experience them.

I’m not going to lie, I didn’t love every song off that album. I listened to Bored, 7 Words, Lifter and One Weak but the whole album wasn’t a winner for me, at the time.

Their next album Around the Fur, which came out in 1997 is where I really became obsessed with them. I remember hearing My Own Summer (Shove It) on the radio when I was a kid but I was too young to appreciate it.

I’ll start with my favorite song on the album which probably isn’t as well known as My Own Summer and Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away). It’s the last song on the album MX/Damone.

Just listen to it, it’s amazing. It’s my favorite song to listen to when I feel like bringing out my inner stripper hahaha! It’s a very visual song too because you have this back and forth between a guy and a woman and while I’m listening to it I can picture this kind of push and pull between the two. I don’t know, it’s one of my favorite songs.

This whole album is pretty solid in my opinion but the songs that I love the most are Around the Fur, Mascara, Lotion, Rickets, Headup (which has an awesome backstory) and Lhabia.

Okay so choosing my favorite Deftones album is hard but, I love White Pony. I love every single song on the album so, I’m going say that’s my favorite Deftones album, so far. I think I love this album the most because I love story telling and this album does a lot of that.

Feiticeira, Digital Bath, and Passenger I feel like, in opinion, are very story based and I think that’s why they are my absolute favorites off the album. Elite is just so hard hitting from the beginning and it has some of my favorite lyrics in a song ever.

“You’re into depression
‘Cause it matches your eyes”

To me those lyrics mean if you look into someone’s eyes, you can see how unhappy they are and that really hits me in the feels as the kids say.

I feel like a bad fan for saying this but I didn’t like the self titled album Deftones and the next album Saturday Night Wrist the first time I listened to it. It took a few times for me to enjoy the album the same way I did with White Pony and Around the Fur. Hands down, no question about it, my favorite song is Hexagram off the self titled album which came out in 2003. That song has some of the best screaming I have ever heard in my life. It’s so raw and it gives me goosebumps thinking about it.

Another song on that album that is hard hitting in the same way Hexagram is, When Girls Telephone Boys. I just love the chorus of that song so much because there are people that I’ve just wanted to shout at and say

“Something’s wrong with you
Well I hope we never do meet again”

It’s so simple but so powerful at the same time.

This album has some really beautifully written songs with just amazing lyrics. Minerva, Good Morning Beautiful and Lucky You, just have this calming effect on me when I listen to them. But like I said, it took me a while to really get into this album and their next one.

Saturday Night Wrist, at first, was my least favorite Deftones album.It came out in 2006. I only listened to Mein and RatsRatsRats because, the other songs didn’t appeal to me. I didn’t even listen to the whole album at first. But then Kimdracula came on my Pandora station and I listened carefully to the lyrics

“I really wish these snakes were your arms
I, I really wish you’d make up your mind”

I don’t really remember what was going on at that time but for some reason I really resonated with those lyrics. Then I looked up what album it was on and I listened to more songs off the album.

That’s when I discovered another amazing song from that album, Cherry Waves. I feel like that song should be about a relationship but it fits for more than just that in my opinion. To me, it reminded me of toxic people that were in my life and how they kept dragging me down. But when I was the one drowning they didn’t want to help me.

“If like you should sink down beneath, I’ll swim down,
Would you?”
That song is so inspiring to me and I put it on just let my mind wander. I love it.

Their next album Diamond Eyes (2010) is what I would recommend people listen to first to get a good idea of what Deftones “sound” like. It has a mixture of the soft, (Diamond Eyes, Sextape, Beauty School) the heavy (Rocket Skates, CMND/CTRL, Prince) and my personal favorite You’ve Seen the Butcher. That music video should be labeled porn because of how hot it is. Just the lyrics alone are sexually charged but then I watched the music video and needed a cold shower afterward hahaha, is that too much information?

I’m sorry but when a song begins with the lyrics,

“Don’t wanna take it slow
I wanna take you home
And watch the world explode
From underneath your glow”

“I wanna watch the way…
You creep across my skull…”

You know what you’re in for.

So again if you want to listen to Deftones, start with Diamond Eyes because in my opinion it has the most Deftones-y sound.

Koi No Yokan (2012) has such a unique sound and I think it really shows how Deftones have evolved but also kept true to their nature. Swerve City and Tempest are my two favorites to listen to when I want that classic Deftones sound. Leathers is a recent favorite of mine because of these lyrics,

“Shedding your skin,
Showing your texture.
Time to let everything inside show.
You’re cutting all ties
Now and forever, time to let
Everything outside you
Shed your casing, show your lines
And shapes”

It’s a song that reminds me of how good it can be to let go of people or the person I was. It’s a very freeing song. I think this album in particular carries that theme through out it.

And now we’ve come to the most recent album, Gore. I know a lot of people didn’t like the newest Deftones album. They said it wasn’t heavy enough and that they were starting to sound more indie and less rock, well I disagree. Gore is in my list for my favorite albums of all time. It might be weird to say but I love the names of the songs on this album. Is it a lot more mellow than previous albums, yes but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t it doesn’t freaking rock.

It started off slow for me with Prayers/ Triangles but that is such a catchy song. The lyrics on this album are so weird but, interesting to me. I found out not long after buying the album that they were going to be playing nearby. I knew I had to see them and I did with my best friend, who has a very different taste in music than I do but still agreed to go with me.

I wrote about my first Deftones concert for a class two semesters ago but to sum it up, it was awesome, I was close enough to touch Chino when they played Gore and it cemented my love for them. So every time I listen to Gore I can picture that night and that’s why it’s my favorite song off the album.

This was a long ass post but I really love Deftones and I love writing about them. I think anyone can listen to at least one of their albums and find a song they like. Since the concert, I’ve been listening to them every single day at least once a day.

I’m seeing them on the 17th of June for my birthday with my dad (with Rise Against another fav) so I’ll probably write about that too.

Here’s some picture I took from that night, which was one of the greatest nights and one of the greatest concerts I’ve ever been too. And I’ve been to a lot of concerts (I’ll write about that sometime too) All photos were taken by me and I have/had very shaky hands lol

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Make New Friends But Keep The Old

If you know the rest of that sentence, you are awesome in my book. But, it is a very true statement. Making new friends is great because you have new people to make new memories with but, it’s important to remember the ones that have been there from the beginning.

You know the ones I’m talking about, they have stories that could embarrass the hell out of you and pictures to prove it. They were there for your cute kid phase which shifted into the gawky teenage stage and for some reason they stuck by you.

And I’m so grateful they did.

It’s an awesome feeling when people from your childhood meet the friends you have now and everything just clicks into place. I get anxious in crowds (even with friends) because I’m so worried that everyone won’t get along or have a good time.

On Sunday, the 4th, my friend Kate threw a birthday party for me and I was not up for it. I didn’t feel good throughout the day and just overall was kind bleh. I always get like that right before my birthday because every year I think about my past birthdays, how happy I was and people that I was friends with but I no longer am. So needless to say, I was not excited. I didn’t even bother getting dressed, I looked like a slob but, I went anyway.

My friend Austin picked me and my friend Dylan up and told me that Kate had something to show me and that I definitely didn’t want to miss out.

When we pulled up to Kate’s house I saw a car in the driveway that I recognized and immediately I felt like such an ass. I also started to cry before I even got to the door.

I met my friend Aminata at a local community college (along with some many other amazing people) and she just had this confidence and openness about her that made me open up, which wasn’t easy. I’m pretty sure the first time I hung out with her and our other friends I just sat there and listened because I was so worried about saying something stupid.

That didn’t last very long though because once I started talking to her and our group I realized that I didn’t have to walk on egg shells around them. Aminata and I could have really deep conversations one minute and laugh until we were in tears the next. Even when we didn’t see each other ,I still felt close to her and I knew she would be there for me If I needed her. I recently just talked to her the other week and we were talking about getting together and even the next day I was still in a good mood from our conversation from the previous night.

So back to Sunday, as soon as I walked through the door I saw Aminata and did that girly screech that I do every time I see her. I was also crying and being filmed (thanks Kate). Any anxiety or bleh feelings just didn’t exist anymore because I was going to spend the night with my friends and laugh and cry and laugh some more.

Another surprise was waiting around the corner for me that I didn’t know about. Remember when I mentioned earlier those friends that have really embarrassing stories about you that could make you turn beat red, well my friend Angula is one of those friends.

We go wayyyy back. I moved to where I am now when I just turned 3 (yikes) and I’m going to be 26 on Saturday (double yikes). So I met her and her brother when I was about 4 or 5. They were my first friends ever and the fact that I still consider them my friends after all this time is amazing. My childhood would have not been the same if I wouldn’t have met them. I wouldn’t be the same person if I met them.

Angula is the type of friend where I feel like if it has been a while since I’ve seen her, nothing changed. We’ve both changed tremendously but I feel like we still have good friendship. We both got busy and lost touch for while but I never felt like I lost her as a friend because of it.

So when I walked into Kate’s dinning room and saw her there, I was beyond excited and happy and just shocked. I also cried more because I hadn’t seen Angula in a long time and I’m an emotional ass person. It was so nostalgic just to have her there and it made me feel like a kid again in the best possible way.

It was an awesome night and one of the best birthdays I ever had. Kate, made me a freaking dragon cake and put the whole thing together without me knowing. She is beyond amazing, not just giving me those awesome memories but for just continuing to be the definition of a best friend. I don’t know how I can ever thank her for that night. Even though my birthday isn’t until Saturday, that night will make me smile all week and beyond.

It was great for my long time friends to meet my newer friends and I’m so happy for the memories we made and the ones we will make in the future.

Thank you Kate for putting the whole thing together and filming my reaction.

Thank you Zane for putting up those great decorations.

Thank you Aminata, Miles and Austin for making my time at community college the best experience ever.

Thank you Angula and Dylan for being my friend when all it meant was playing outside (till my mom called me in for lunch) and creating our own idea of fun day after day.

There are are certain friends that you have for a while but there’s nothing that keeps you connected but, I feel like the friends I have aren’t like that. Time doesn’t change friendships it just makes you realize who will always be your friend once that time has passed.