I never realized how essential it was for me to have a routine. I never thought of myself as someone needed a constant schedule to keep myself sane. It wasn’t until I left high school that I got smacked with the worst episode of depression I ever had. As soon as I had no reasons to get out of bed, I didn’t. The only friends I had were a group of guys who were slowly pushing me out of their group and when they weren’t around I didn’t know how to deal with myself.
I spent a good two and a half years just utterly miserable. And a few other things contributed to that mostly it was because I had no sort of routine. My sleep schedule was fucked, I didn’t eat at normal times and I felt terrible about my entire being.
Then something snapped inside me and I enrolled in college (for the second time) just to have a reason to get up in the morning. High school was rough for me but it was that boring and constant schedule that kept my depression in check (most times). Without it I just kind of fell apart.
Once I started college I was okay again. I had my routine of getting up and getting to class every day. But when breaks between each semester happened and I didn’t have anything to occupy my time, it happened again. I would be okay for a little while after the semester was over but then it was back to the same old shit.
I tried to keep myself from getting depressed. I wrote, I binge watched shows and I came up with mini projects for myself. Clean out this or make something with that but, it was all just temporary. Because I knew sooner or later I was going to run out of things to do or distract myself with. They’re all just temporary solutions to a developmental problem, I know this.
I stopped seeing a therapist a long time ago which probably wasn’t the right move but that’s what I did and I really don’t want to go back and have them try to put me on medication. It works for some people and I’m not knocking them, you do you, but I just don’t think it would work for me.
So here I am for the hundredth time, dealing with the same old shit. I’ve got a little over a month till I go back to college and I’m not looking forward to those days. I will complain, with the rest of my peers, about needing time off and a vacation from my classes but in reality I love going to college. I love waking up with a purpose. Even if that purpose is just to get myself to class and not fall asleep.
I’m so mad at myself because I told myself this time things would be different. I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish this summer and I haven’t done any of them. I didn’t even try. Also a couple weeks ago I got really sick and now it’s made me paranoid that it might happen again.
The point of this pointless post is that I need to make a routine for myself and follow it. At least get my sleep schedule semi normal because right now it’s a hot mess. As am I. I want to leave the house tomorrow but I don’t at the same time because even thinking about it makes me anxious. My dog needs to go to the vet and the last few times I went with I had to leave the room because I was too anxious.
I’m hoping for better days. Cooler days where the sky is blue and I can stand the sun because right now everything is too bright and dark at the same time.