Horror Memes and Unrealistic Dreams

So last night (Friday the 17th) was something…

I don’t know how else to describe it.

My boyfriend was at a show last night and he went out afterward so he knew he was going to be getting home late.

He asked to crash here because he said my house was closer and he was really tired.

I said yeah even though I was freaking out a bit. I was prepared for him to sleep over on Saturday like we planned but I didn’t plan for this.

I’ve never slept in a bed before with someone. I’ve never had someone sleep with their arm around me or want to kiss me good night.

Everything was fine. I stayed up till he got here. Snuck him in my room through the window like a teenager would. I even turned up the heat so the noise of him climbing in wouldn’t wake up my mom or my dog.

He came in, went to the bathroom, very sneakily, came back in and laid down on my bed. Told me he was tired and he had a headache. We talked for a little bit then I asked him if he wanted to sleep. He said he wanted to lay his head in my lap and asked me if that would be okay. I said yeah.

So that’s what we did. We laid there and looked at horror memes on his phone, laughed, talked all while I ran my fingers through his hair. He told me it felt nice and I told him I was glad. There was a big smile on my face that he probably couldn’t see because it was dark but it was there.

He also confessed to me that my house wasn’t closer he just wanted to sleep in a bed rather than the recliner and he wanted to be with me rather than alone.

Sleeping alone is all I ever knew. But I understood to an extent.

So we lay down, him on his back and me curled up next to him. He asks for a kiss. So I kiss him and I don’t know what I was expecting.

Was I expecting it to be great? No because the last person I kissed was when I was 15 and it was traumatizing. It had been a while and I was’t sure what to do. So I just laid my head on his chest and waited to fall asleep in my boyfriends arms.

I waited…

And waited…

And waited but it never happened.

I really wanted to.

I really wanted it to be as simple as closing my eyes but it wasn’t.

I got up around 8 and told my mom my boyfriend was in my room and of course she was fine with it. I came back in and saw him curled up on his side with my covers wrapped around him.

It was cute. I didn’t want to wake him.

I was okay and then I don’t know what happened. I started shaking and felt so sick to my stomach. I’m going to blame it on lack of sleep and anxiety.

The first one made sense but why was I anxious all of a sudden. I didn’t want to go back in there. I didn’t want to wake him up but I also didn’t want him in my bed anymore. I wanted to be curled up in my bed.

My mind is a very confusing place.

Once I calmed down enough I did go in and wake him up. He pretty much left right after, which he apologized for later. So needless to say I didn’t have a good morning. I wanted to go back a few hours to when it was just me and him, laying in my bed while I stroked his hair and we laughed but not too loud. That was a perfect moment.

Idk…maybe it’s an unrealistic dream for me to do all that couple stuff I read about in books, saw in movies and T.V. shows and dreamed of for years.

I keep trying to tell myself it’s not true but sometimes it seems to be the only thing I’m certain of.

2:25 am

 

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I Should Have Stayed Inside

I thought getting out of the house would be good for me because the weather reflects my mood today.

Gloomy and Grey.

I’m grey today

Ha! That rhymes!

Okay back to what this is actually about.

Hopefully once I express this and get the thoughts out of my head I can go work on some school stuff.

Okay so not sure if I posted about this but it’s kind of my #metoo story. If you want to read about that here’s a link to the article I wrote on Thought Catalog which talks about why I’m so distrustful of men.

So I left the house for a bit to walk down to the store and get some iced tea (I ended up getting more things) and a good friend of mine works there so we were talking for a bit and he told me something that made me angry but sad and also anxious and he didn’t mean to but it kind of punched me in the middle of the chest and knocked the wind out of me.

I had a bit of a break down this weekend due to that article above and I shared it with my boyfriend which was a big step for me cause now he knows why I’m so fucked up in the head lol

Any way…now I’m sitting here thinking about how the person who screwed me up to the point where I didn’t think I would ever be able to be in a relationship had sex with a girl who was very drunk at the time.

Was she aware of what was going on?

Did you give her a choice?

Did she say that she didn’t feel comfortable and you told her that’s because your not used to it?

Oh man.

I feel like I can’t breathe and I feel like if I ever saw him again I would immediately start crying or go into a catatonic state.

I gotta push it away because there are other things that I need to take care of.

 

 

 

Just Clearing My Head

Break the Cycle

He doesn’t take my breath away.

He makes it so I can breathe

He’s not all I think about

He calms the swarming chaos in my head

He doesn’t grope or grab

He crushes my doubts with his gentle hands

He reassures me

Tells me I’m amazing or beautiful

with no other motive

Easier Said Than Done

My body craves his gentle touches

I wish he could massage the worry from my brain

Take out the bad memories and replace them all with

him

Not The Same

Where there’s doubt

There’s also hope

It’s pushing it’s way to the surface

Every time I see you

Fear Is Good. Change Is Better

If I wasn’t afraid

that would mean it’s not real

I’m not playing a part because I have to.

I’m changing because I want to.

Let You In

You’re gently opening my arms to let you in

It’s easy

It’s like I already made room before you even asked

It’s like I knew

you’d come along.

 

 

 

Am I Just Playing The Part?

It’s probably not a good sign that I’m thinking this already but it just hit me now and it hit me hard. 

Am I really feeling the things I’m saying or am I saying them because that’s how I’m supposed to feel. I’m not a hundred percent comfortable with him yet and he knows that, more importantly he respects it.

I just wish I could be a hundred percent sure but I guess no one ever is when they start a relationship. I like him but we haven’t hit the point where I feel comfortable enough to let him kiss or touch me. He asked to hold my hand and at first it felt weird but then it felt nice. I liked it and I’m okay with it now.

The romantic feelings aren’t there yet and it’s not his fault but I say these things and flirt with him and some of it is me but some of it feels like I’m doing what I think I should be doing, does that make sense?

He thinks my life is put together, ha! If he could see inside my head he would see how at any minute I could completely lose it.

He tells me I’m beautiful, cute, pretty and amazing all the time. I only half believe it and even when I do there’s this little voice in the back of my head whispering,

“He only wants you for your body and when he finds out you won’t give it up easily he’ll leave.”

I tell that voice to shut up and for a while it does until he says something else to me.

“I’ll help you relax.”

I know how that sounds but my brain is split between he meant it sexually and he just means he’ll come over and watch shitty horror movies with me. And I feel like it is the second one but there’s that little voice telling me otherwise.

“If I could I’d join you in bed to stay warm.”

That one makes me a little less uncomfortable but still there’s a tightness in my chest when I read it. I know he just means cuddling and chilling in bed, he told me and I believe him, mostly. It’s not a totally foreign concept, cuddling with someone you’re dating well, unless you’re me and have a fucked up brain.

I know not every guy is the same, I tell that to my head and gives me a play by play every guy that has only wanted me because of one thing.

He’s not saying anything wrong, I’m the one overthinking it and trying to poke holes in it because I’m scared that he might actually be different or that he’s the same. I don’t know. It’s a lot to think about.

I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I’ve got issues a mile long and he has some of his own but I don’t want to push him away and make him feel embarrassed for saying things that any normal girl would love to hear.

Okay now I’m going to give myself the benefit of the doubt a little because it has been 11 years since I’ve been in any sort of relationship and even then it wasn’t serious. I’m not used to it and even when I did hear nice things said about me it was always about my appearance which made me feel worse about myself.

The sexual stuff makes me uncomfortable for many reasons and he knows only part of those reasons. I don’t know when the other reasons are going to come up in conversation but oh man I don’t know when to tell him that I’m a 26 year old virgin.

Fuck.

I need to go write about people who are way more fucked up than me.

 

Old Issues So Grab Some Tissues

If I were 13 I would start this off by saying “Dear Diary, there’s a boy.”

But I’m not 13 anymore so I’ll just start this off the way 26 year old me should,

“Oh my god, a boy likes me and I like him!”

Yeah that still sounds like a 13 year old, oops. Well to be fair I kinda feel like a 13 year old when I talk to him. There are too many lol’s and emojis in our texts but I kinda love it. I’m talking to a boy and I’m not worried about sounding too excited or just plain dumb. He’s sweet, kind and loves the nerdy things in life so pretty much someone that I could see myself with, seriously.

And saying that, or typing that, isn’t as scary as I thought it would be. We met through a mutual friend and there was an immediate attraction to him. He was cracking jokes and when I went home I did the most millennial thing I could do, stalk him on facebook. But, with no success so I waited until we saw each other again.

This time I involved him more in the conversation and talked to only him. Apparently we were flirting which I’ll admit I was trying to flirt but I wasn’t sure if I was doing a good job. My friends confirmed this so I decided to pass my number along to him. Little did I know, after we met the first time he was asking our friend stuff about me.

So we were both interested in each other and after a few hiccups where I did my normal thing and tried to poke holes in something before it even began, we started talking about things we could do together.

The list includes, star gazing, Pokemon hunting, walks in the park, watching T.V. shows either one of us hasn’t seen, going to concerts, eating fro-yo and going to Barnes and Noble.  There’s more but the point is we were making plans and this is when shit gets real.

The last person to hold my hand, did so after telling me their rape fantasy that involved me.

The last person to try and kiss me, did so in the middle of my room and it took all of my strength to push him away.

The last person who touch me left marks under my skin that no one can see.

This guy is going to want to hold my hand, kiss and touch me. I keep telling myself that it’ll be different but there’s this stupid little voice in my head telling me it won’t. It’s just a whisper but it’s there. I can’t get rid of it. I can’t make it go away. No one can.

It’s so stupid when I think about it because nothing really happened. Well I mean something happened but it wasn’t as bad as what other people experience.

Back to the current thoughts occupying my brain.

I talked to a friend about this because she’s in a healthy relationship after not being in one and I did feel better after talking with her.

So we’ve been texting back and forth for about two weeks. He tells me I’m beautiful and that I’m awesome and amazing and sometimes I question it. I don’t want to but I do. I question the motives behind his kind words even though there are none.

He’s told me about his ex girlfriend who wanted to change him and I though why would anyone want to change him. I told him I’ve had bad experiences but I didn’t go into details. I can’t tell him who because there’s a good chance they might know each other. I’m not looking forward to that conversation.

I told him I had issues that I haven’t dealt with and instead of running for the hills he said this,

“Well I’m willing to learn everything about you and work with you on whatever it is that you’re having trouble with.”

And I started crying because here is a guy who actually likes me and wants to help me but I don’t think he can. I don’t think anyone can. That’s sounds so fucking melodramatic and it makes me wanna slap myself but I feel like it’s true.

I just don’t want him to think I’m this cool girl that is awesome and whatever else he says about me because that’s not the only side of me. There are many sides of me and I don’t know where I’m going with this.

So he asked me out on a date. And he even told me what he wanted to do and let me change getting dinner to just going for ice cream because I’m going to be super nervous.

And now he just promised me that he would never hurt me.

My head hurts.

I need to go to sleep.

To be continued…

Talking About Mental Health

So the last two times I’ve seen my dad he’s brought up my mental health. I like that he cares because most people don’t ask but, when he brings it up I don’t know how to talk about it. It’s not uncomfortable for him to bring up his own depression but my mental health is connected deeply to my childhood.

I know it. He knows it and actually I saw a therapist to talk about my issues surrounding childhood. I stopped going though but that’s not the point. The point is he keeps bringing it up. Actually he brought up pretty much every uncomfortable subject to talk about. I almost got up to dance with his girlfriend just to avoid it anymore.

I guess I just feel weird because all of a sudden he wants to know everything about it and I’ve been dealing with it my whole life. He keeps bringing up medication and therapy and I’m not feeling it. Maybe therapy but no to medication. He said his girlfriend has been on medication for 10 years. You know that’s great for her but I just don’t see that for myself.

I don’t want to depend on a pill to mellow me out. And if I don’t take it or forget to I don’t wanna have my mood change in a snap.

Anyway, I know things will get better once I start classes. I also need to fix my sleeping schedule.

I’m going to try to write more. Probably about music cause that’s what I love to write about. But maybe some stories and journal prompts.

I don’t know, I’ll figure it out.

The Importance of a Routine.

I never realized how essential it was for me to have a routine. I never thought of myself as someone needed a constant schedule to keep myself sane. It wasn’t until I left high school that I got smacked with the worst episode of depression I ever had. As soon as I had no reasons to get out of bed, I didn’t. The only friends I had were a group of guys who were slowly pushing me out of their group and when they weren’t around I didn’t know how to deal with myself.

I spent a good two and a half years just utterly miserable. And a few other things contributed to that mostly it was because I had no sort of routine. My sleep schedule was fucked, I didn’t eat at normal times and I felt terrible about my entire being.

Then something snapped inside me and I enrolled in college (for the second time) just to have a reason to get up in the morning. High school was rough for me but it was that boring and constant schedule that kept my depression in check (most times). Without it I just kind of fell apart.

Once I started college I was okay again. I had my routine of getting up and getting to class every day. But when breaks between each semester happened and I didn’t have anything to occupy my time, it happened again. I would be okay for a little while after the semester was over but then it was back to the same old shit.

I tried to keep myself from getting depressed. I wrote, I binge watched shows and I came up with mini projects for myself. Clean out this or make something with that but, it was all just temporary. Because I knew sooner or later I was going to run out of things to do or distract myself with. They’re all just temporary solutions to a developmental problem, I know this.

I stopped seeing a therapist a long time ago which probably wasn’t the right move but that’s what I did and I really don’t want to go back and have them try to put me on medication. It works for some people and I’m not knocking them, you do you, but I just don’t think it would work for me.

So here I am for the hundredth time, dealing with the same old shit. I’ve got a little over a month till I go back to college and I’m not looking forward to those days. I will complain, with the rest of my peers, about needing time off and a vacation from my classes but in reality I love going to college. I love waking up with a purpose. Even if that purpose is just to get myself to class and not fall asleep.

I’m so mad at myself because I told myself this time things would be different. I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish this summer and I haven’t done any of them. I didn’t even try. Also a couple weeks ago I got really sick and now it’s made me paranoid that it might happen again.

The point of this pointless post is that I need to make a routine for myself and follow it. At least get my sleep schedule semi normal because right now it’s a hot mess. As am I. I want to leave the house tomorrow  but I don’t at the same time because even thinking about it makes me anxious. My dog needs to go to the vet and the last few times I went with I had to leave the room because I was too anxious.

I’m hoping for better days. Cooler days where the sky is blue and I can stand the sun because right now everything is too bright and dark at the same time.

It’s just a name…

It’s just a name

I say to myself

I close my eyes

Erase your face

It’s just a name

I say to myself

I cover my ears

Block your voice

It’s just a name

I say to myself

I feel you pull away, again

It’s just a name

I say to myself

I smell summer

You flood my memories

It’s just a name

I say to myself

I float

You sink

Back where we belong

It’s just a name

Writing is hard

I’ve opened every story on my computer and re read them over and over but I never added anything new. I’ve looked at pictures for inspiration. Watched T.V shows. Read a book but every time I go to type, nothing wants to come out.

I feel like I want to write but then I don’t.

I’ve also been sick and that’s no fun.

The Deftones and Rise Against concert was awesome.

I went to Knobles which was fun too but when I got home I got hit with a flu/cold. It was hell having a fever at night and getting literally an hour or two of sleep every night. Then once the fever went away I was coughing non stop and now I still have a little cough and my chest still hurts from said coughing. Also sometimes my ear closes from being stuffed up.

So while I was in utter agony I decided to binge watch Lucifer which was a good way to spend my time. I finished both seasons and have come away with questions and a serious crush on Tom Ellis.

The good news about being sick was that I didn’t care that I didn’t have anything to do but now that I’m better I can feel depression coming back. Just gotta find things to look forward to again.

I started watching The Path and it’s okay but a little slow. I like the “cult” angle of the show. I’ve been interested in people in cults and what makes people join cults.

Back to writing being hard, maybe if I try writing with like pen and paper. Sometimes If I change the medium I can write more freely. Idk maybe I’ll try that.

I’m sure once classes start I’ll be full of ideas lol.

Anyway this has been a kinda stream of conciousness/ what’s on my mind post.

My head hurts and it’s hot as hell

The beginning of the week is my least favorite. I mean weekends really aren’t much different but there’s less time to think. During the week that’s all I do. I think about how I should have said this instead of that or I should have done this sooner instead of waiting so long.

See, too much time.

It’s hard to have a routine when you literally have nothing to wake up for or to. That sounds melodramatic, sorry what I meant was I don’t have a reason to get out of bed other than the fact that I should,

I’m fine once I’m going to classes because I get into a routine and everything is good. But once that routine is gone, I’m lost.

I NEED a reason to get out of bed or I won’t do it. And the longer I stay in bed the worse it gets. I know this but I can’t stop myself from being depressed. If I could I would. I mean duh, who wants to be depressed.

So today I was in bed most of the day. I managed to do some wash and work on the collage thing I was working on but I didn’t do enough to feel good.

The heat isn’t helping either, or the fact that I’m afraid to turn on my AC because when I took the thingy off I found a bee’s hive inside the grate box thing that my AC is in. I need the AC but I also don’t want a swarm of bees coming in my vent, ya know?

So I have my fan blowing directly on me but it’s only reaching half of my body. So my legs are cool but the top half of me is sweaty. Blehh.

I keep telling myself that I just have stay positive and remind myself of things i have to look forward to, but what happens when those things run out?

This was a depressing Monday. But at least it’s almost over.